


The World As We Know It

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis RPS
Genre: Apocalypse, M/M, Pandemic - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-13
Updated: 2007-05-13
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:49:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He suddenly realized that tears were streaming down his face and he had David in an iron grip. His family was dying and there was nothing that he could do about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The World As We Know It

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [third annual Kink/Cliche Multi-Fandom Challenge](http://svmadelyn.livejournal.com/454187.html). The title is (obviously) from the R.E.M. song.  
>  **Prompt:** Dystopias (apocalyptic or post-apocalyptic worlds; alien invasions; _pandemics_ ; computers take over; settings in Hell, or earth becomes Hell)  
> Thanks to svmadelyn for hosting the challenge and also for selecting this prompt in particular! Also thank you to adafrog for going over this in the last minute and correcting the worst crimes against the English language :)  
> This is entirely a work of fiction.

**June 15**

"How's my big boy?"

"Got a sore throat," came the groggy answer with just a hint of a whine.

"Yes, your mother told me. You just have to hang in there. I'm sure when I'm home the next time you'll be fine. Just do as your mother says."

"Yeah," came the lackluster answer.

"We could go to a game."

"Just you and me?"

Joe smiled into the phone. "Only if you're well enough. So take a rest when your mother tells you to and take your medicine."

"Ice cream makes it better," his son perked up.

"I'm sure it does," Joe said, laughing. "Let me talk to your mother again and I'll see what I can do."

"'kay. Bye Dad."

"Bye Aidan. Love you."

"Love you, too. Mooom!"

Joe held the phone away, massaging his ear. Well, at least Aidan's voice was still okay.

"Yeah?" came his wife's voice.

"How often did we tell him, that you don't yell into the phone."

"Not often enough apparently," she said, amusement in her voice. She then turned more serious. "Fergus is feeling a bit hot, too. I really hope he's not coming down with it, too. You can't go anywhere at the moment without people sneezing at you."

"You want me to come down this weekend?"

"No, no. We're okay for the moment. I think I'll take them both to the doctor tomorrow."

"Truman's okay?"

"Can't sit still for a second, so just as always."

"I'll take him to the playground when I'm home. See if I can tire him out for at least an evening."

"You know you always end up more tired than he is."

"It's worth a try," he pointed out. "How are you?"

"Fine. Well, my throat feels a bit scratchy, but at this point I think it's mostly imagination."

"If you want me to fly down, I will."

"It's okay. I'll let you know how it went tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"I love you."

"You'd better for what I have to put up with here."

He laughed. Katherine hung up.

 

**June 18**

"Joe, I'm so scared," was the last thing he'd heard from his wife.

There'd been some noise, an impatient "Ma'am" and then a click and the line was dead.

Like his son. Aidan had died an hour earlier. Like hundreds were dying in LA alone. In the span of three days his whole world had turned upside down. No, not his world. _The_ world. By the time Katherine made her frantic call after coming from the doctor, the first reports of the new deadly influenza had started spreading. She'd told him not to come, packed up Truman and left him with friends and gone to the hospital with Aidan and Fergus.

Within 24 hours commercial flight was severely limited and Truman had fallen sick, too. She'd made him promise not to come, voice thick with worry and what was lodged in her throat. One of them needed to survive for their sons. They all knew better now. There was no surviving.

Even if he ignored his promise to Katherine and made his way to LA, even if he managed to get in somehow and find them, he'd only be able to watch them die. And probably catch it himself in the process.

Sitting there in his room in Vancouver, phone still in his hand, that didn't feel like a real threat.

Then again, he didn't feel much of anything. He was still waiting to wake up from this nightmare, to hear his son complain about a sore throat, to hear his other son screaming and the youngest babbling and Katherine's voice full of both exasperation and amusement. And then he'd listen and laugh and promise he'd be home next weekend and maybe he'd tell her about the horrible dream that he'd had, although probably not, because he really hoped it was one of the dreams that you forgot as soon as you woke.

The bell rang.

For a moment Joe was filled with relief. Finally his alarm would save him. 'Wake up, wake up,' he thought as loudly as he could, waiting for that feeling of reality returning and the dream slipping away.

"Flanigan! I know you're in there."

David's voice. Maybe he'd fallen asleep on set.

"Your phone has been busy for hours. Just... Joe!"

He looked up. David was at his door. He heard a muttered "Dammit" and then the bell started ringing again.

Not thinking, Joe got up and opened the door. David just stared at him for a second. He looked exhausted and when he exhaled, it seemed as if he fell apart.

"Oh, thank God," he said and Joe had no idea what he wanted, so he just stepped aside and let him in.

"You're on the phone?" David asked, pointing at Joe's hand.

Joe looked and saw that he still had his cell in his hand. He hung up and sat on the sofa. David watched him, then sat down next to him.

"Have you heard from them?"

Joe didn't look at David, but nodded.

They sat in silence for a while. Joe didn't know what to do, didn't know anything at all.

"Aidan's dead," he said eventually.

"God, Joe, I'm so sorry."

A hand crept up his back.

"The others are still alive. At least they were last time..." He looked at his watch, but he couldn't remember how much time had passed since he'd talked to Katherine.

Arms wrapped around him.

She'd be dead by tomorrow. They'd all be dead by tomorrow.

He tried to tell David, but he couldn't speak, because his face was pressed into David's shirt. He suddenly realized that tears were streaming down his face and he had David in an iron grip.

His family was dying and there was nothing that he could do about it.

David gently stroked his hair with one hand, while the other held him. He made soothing noises, but didn't say anything.

Joe just held onto him.

Eventually his sobs died down and he lifted his head and when he let go, David winced.

"I'm sorry," Joe said, sniffing. He looked at David's shirt. He'd made a real mess of it.

David grabbed his face firmly in both his hands and forced him to look up.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he said vehemently. His grip softened, but he kept his fingers on Joe's face. "I just wish I could do anything to..." He trailed off and removed his hands.

Joe missed them. Even as he folded his own arms in front of him, he wished to be back in David's arms, back to a place where he wasn't alone. He shivered.

"Are you cold?" David put the back of his fingers against his forehead. "You don't seem to have a fever."

"I'm not sick," Joe said wearily. If he were...

"No, you're not," David said with conviction, putting his hand on Joe's shoulder.

Joe looked at him and suddenly he realized why David was here, why he'd been so relieved when Joe had opened the door.

"I think I haven't eaten all day," Joe said and David's face lit up and he got up from the couch.

"I can make you something. Or call. Most places here still have normal service. What do you want?"

'My life back,' Joe thought. Instead he told David that Italian would be fine.

 

**July**

Joe sat in front of the TV, not really seeing the pictures anymore. They just didn't change. Common graves, where people were buried by the dozens, because the mortuaries filled up and because the bodies had to be removed in an hopeless effort to stop all of this eventually. Riots on the streets. Soldiers walking the streets of Los Angeles, New York, Chicago. And that was just the US. But it hadn't stopped there. Nothing had stopped it.

That was how a pandemic worked. There was no expert who hadn't talked about it on TV by now. Graphs about phases, projections and death tolls that were numbered in millions by now. Joe had watched it all since his family had died as one of the firsts, becoming parts of the statistics.

He watched and waited. Waited for this shoot to be over, because that's what it felt like. One of those made for TV movies about catastrophes. The hours so long that he could never slip out of his role, Katherine too busy too call, no days off. And his role wasn't even a good one.

He was the guy who lost everything and couldn't cope. He was the guy that people could feel pity for and the guy that the hero could rescue.

David would come soon to drag him to work. He wasn't sure why he bothered. They all knew that what they shot now wouldn't make it to TV anytime soon. They might as well call the mid season hiatus now and then everyone could go home to their families where they belonged at a time like this.

Those who still had families.

Before Joe could dwell on this in the detached way he felt about anything these days, David knocked. Like clockwork.

Working wasn't different from the rest of his days. He went through the motions, playing his role, feeling the tiniest spark of Sheppard's emotions, but they never stayed, never really got to him. It became the TV show inside the movie and Joe couldn't bring himself to care.

He wasn't the only one. Jason was worried about his mother. Everyone was worried about their loved ones. Two members of the crew had stopped showing up. They all watched one another with weary eyes, knowing that any day now it would all fall apart, unsure if they'd ever come back together like this again.

Well, not everyone. He didn't know why, but David clearly was the hero in the movie that Joe couldn't remember signing up for. He was the one giving it his all, when the cameras rolled. Joe could understand, because it was hard to imagine David any other way, when he was acting. But it wasn't just when he was acting.

Every day David had news from around the world, gathered through the Internet, the only source of uncensored information these days, he insisted. And when he presented them, Joe felt like he was in a movie about the Resistance in WWII. It _was_ a world war in a way, in that the whole world was involved in the fight, although for once it wasn't people fighting people. At least mostly. For now. Some smaller countries were preparing their forces to take advantage of the situation, but Joe didn't want to think about that.

Instead he watched David play his role to perfection, hitting every note of the not-quite-average man who rose to the occasion and became a leader. And people followed if just for a while. Their faces lost some of that hopelessness and sadness. They looked up to him.

If Joe was the sidekick that David could pull along, the hero of course needed some personal conflict, which displayed his weakness to show that he was still human. Something to overcome less easily. Enter the heroine.

David fought a lot on the phone with Jane. Joe couldn't help but listening in. David was shouting too loudly. Of course Joe couldn't hear both ends of the conversation, but from what he gathered Jane was wondering when he'd come home, which David had no intention to do.

"I'm not setting foot in that dictatorship again." " _Temporary_ Emergency Act my ass." "You should get out there, too."

And he often used words that weren't fit for television. So maybe not a made for TV movie, but a feature film. Joe wondered who'd want to see such a depressing movie. He was sort of curious how it would end. And then he could finally forget all about it and go home to his family.

~~

There was no wrap party. There were only good-byes and hugs and promises to call and "Take care" and "Good luck".

In the end Joe stood on the lot wondering what the hell he was going to do, now that the last distraction in his life was gone and there was only emptiness.

"I have to show you something," David said from behind him, then walked past Joe. When Joe didn't move, David waved him over until he followed.

Joe didn't talk on the drive. David talked a bit about the plans of the others. It felt to Joe as if David was trying to reassure him they'd be okay. Joe wasn't sure if he was comforted or not. Then again he wasn't sure of anything these days.

He didn't even realize he had no idea where they were until David stopped in front of an unfamiliar house. Joe looked over to David, but David had already jumped out of the car and Joe couldn't think of doing much else than follow him.

David led him through a hall to the kitchen, which had a warm and homely feel to it. He suddenly felt hungry. But it wasn't the kitchen that David wanted to show him. He didn't even slow down and went straight to a door that led down to a tiny cellar room.

When Joe arrived behind him, David turned around and gave him a look that barely contained the excitement. Joe felt his heart beating a little faster, curious now. Then David moved one of the cans in a shelf and suddenly the wall just opened.

Behind what turned out to be wall was a larger room. A bed, two large desks filled with papers, at least two computers including various hardware and beyond that at the other end of the room a camera with enough equipment to make a semi-professional movie.

"I admit the trick door is mostly for show, because it's pretty obvious from the house that the cellar is larger than that room, but _this_ here is important. Broadband Internet until the government will really shut everything down, but let's hope it doesn't come to that here, and I've organized a little studio. I've already started writing."

He looked at Joe, visibly exhaling, and Joe wasn't quite sure what to say. It suddenly all felt _so_ much like a movie that he really wasn't sure anymore and had to actually turn around and check if there were any cameras rolling. But the only camera was the one at the end of the room.

"I don't know what to say," he said, settling on honesty, because even if he could have made the effort to make something up, he sure as hell didn't know what he was _supposed_ to say. They'd never given him the script to this damn movie.

But David seemed satisfied. "I know it's crazy," he said, looking at the ground and suddenly Joe felt it was important to support him. That was the sidekick's role, wasn't it?

"No, it's not," he said, surprised by the conviction in his voice.

David looked at him and his face lit up in a bright smile. "Would you take a look at my notes? And you could help me with my research."

Suddenly he was moving to the desk, turning a chair around in invitation for Joe to sit down and Joe found himself nodding and saying, "Yeah," and sitting down next to David.

 

**August**

He was still there weeks later, he wasn't sure how many. It didn't really matter to him.

He imagined that they'd do a montage of that time, of the two of them sitting at the desk, David showing Joe where to find information on the web, discussing the script, acting it out at times, in the cellar or the kitchen. Joe sleeping on the bed in the cellar, David two stories higher in the master bed room.

There was a guest room, but Joe found it more comfortable in the cellar. The cellar was the main set, along with the kitchen. And sometimes he almost expected Nazi troops to enter through the door and arrest them. But they were mostly alone, sometimes friends stopped by, but they never stayed for long.

The days just went by and Joe couldn't have said what they'd done exactly. Just like a montage that didn't give you the dialog or concrete events, but displayed a sense of what was happening instead. He imagined it would seem peaceful overall, despite the tense situation of the world in general, their world was mostly untouched by the outside.

Maybe there'd be glimpses of them watching the news, or David waking Joe up from a nightmare, holding him until he went back to sleep. Well, it had only happened once, so maybe it wouldn't belong in a montage. He could hardly remember it the next day, but from then on David took his laptop upstairs when Joe went to bed.

Joe had the vague sense that maybe it wouldn't be fit for a montage of the hero and his sidekick for other reasons. Showing that kind of intimacy, and though he didn't remember much, he still remembered the smell and warmth of David's neck, could mislead the audience. The role of the hero's love interest was taken after all.

So it was back to the montage of ordinary things, like breakfast, in a world that had become extraordinary.

Until Jane came.

Joe could practically hear the music of the montage fade out and the images settle on Jane as she stood in the doorway looking at David, who stared back, until he rushed to her and took her in his arms and kissed her.

Joe thought it shouldn't be this easy. They'd called each other daily, but still their phone calls ended in fights as often as they did not and this was just sloppy writing.

He looked away suddenly, horrified by his own thoughts. He knew that this wasn't a movie, that he just liked to imagine it that way because he couldn't cope with the reality. And it was fine to see himself as the sidekick and maybe even David as the hero, but to actually think that David shouldn't be standing there and holding his fiancée was not right.

He wasn't sure if he should just leave, but then he realized that he had nowhere to go. His car was still at the studio and he hadn't once gone to his little flat. Of course that didn't mean that he couldn't call a cab. He'd probably have to wait for quite some time, but he wasn't in a hurry.

They'd stopped kissing, he realized, when Jane called out his name in surprise and he looked up at her.

Her look became more serious and she approached him. "I'm so sorry about your family. I can't imagine what it must be like."

He gulped and nodded in acceptance, not willing to say anything, because this was getting too close to reality and he would freely admit that he wasn't ready to face that yet.

David watched the exchange and went outside and came back with some bags. "I'll show you the bedroom," he said to Jane.

Joe watched them go and for the first time since he'd arrived felt as if he didn't belong here. The setting had changed. This part of the movie was dedicated to the hero and the heroine.

"It's so sweet of you to invite him for breakfast," he heard Jane say.

He couldn't hear David's answer.

~~

They had gone back to fighting soon enough.

Joe tried not to listen, not to intrude, but there was little he could do when they did it in the kitchen. It was always the same. "Come with me." To their home. To England.

But David wanted to stay at least until he'd done the movie, which they still spent most of their time on. Joe never asked why he didn't do the movie in England. With his energy and motivation he couldn't imagine it would be a problem for David to find people willing to help him. Even those that wouldn't be sucked in as willingly as Joe.

Jane sometimes joined them, but she never stayed too long in their cellar. Joe couldn't help think of it as _theirs_ , his and David's. And he couldn't quite figure out how all of this fit into the movie that was his life, because it wasn't that David didn't care about her and blew her off for the movie they wrote. Well, it was a little like that, but it was obvious that David loved her. When he went out organizing things, he always brought something especially for her and Joe knew they had sex.

He wondered if they lay back to back afterwards with a world between them or if that was the time when everything was all right between them. Either way, he felt, some piece of the plot was missing.

It fell into place one day, when he woke up to the sound of them fighting.

"Just explain it to me."

"There is nothing to explain."

"But why you? Why here? He still has family in the US."

"He might never get out of there again."

"Why would he want to? It's his country."

"I'm not sending him there."

"I'm not saying you have to. I'm not even saying you should, but why can't he stay with Rachel or Torri?"

Joe didn't hear the answer and in the stillness his brain managed to catch up enough to realize they were talking about him. He was taken aback by that. Jane was always nice and polite to him and he never thought... but he should have, he realized suddenly. She was right. Maybe David was just staying here out of pity, some misguided sense of responsibility for Joe. _That_ was his role in this movie. _That_ was the source of conflict.

He heard David's quick steps coming down the stairs and when he came through the door, hand running through his hair, Joe just stared up at him and didn't know how to say that he was sorry, that he should have known.

David stopped and looked back up the stairs.

"Did you hear that?" he asked.

Joe could only nod.

Before he could come up with anything to say, David sighed and sat down on the bed next to him. "I'm sorry," he began and Joe had to interrupt him.

" _I_ 'm sorry," he said.

David's eyes widened and he shook his head decisively. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he said firmly, putting his right hand on Joe's shoulder and reaching out with the left to cup Joe's face.

They both turned around towards the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Jane stopped dead in her tracks when she saw them. They must have realized at the same moment what this must look like, because David snatched back his hand as if it was on fire, just as Joe wondered if maybe the scene of David holding him after the nightmare wouldn't be misdirection after all or at least not unintentionally so.

Jane turned around and went back upstairs and David followed her.

"Jane!" he heard David call after her. There was no answer. "Don't go."

"Give me a reason not to!"

"It's not... that wasn't..."

Joe got up to help him then. This was all a misunderstanding. It was sloppy writing and god, he had to stop. This. Was. Not. A. Movie. This was his friend in danger of losing the best thing that ever happened to him.

"Then what was it?" Jane asked, just as Joe reached the kitchen.

"Nothing," he said.

They both turned to him and he suddenly became aware that he was just wearing a shirt and boxers. But still he pressed on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed this long. I didn't realize... I didn't want this to be a problem."

"It's not a problem," David said to him. Then he turned to Jane. "You _know_ that it's not like that."

Jane looked at him, then at Joe. Joe tried to convey the truth with his eyes, that there wasn't anything going on between him and David. She seemed to relent, her shoulders dropping in defeat.

"I just don't think this house is big enough for all of us," she said looking at the floor and then at Joe, almost apologetically.

He nodded in understanding. She was right.

"Is that an ultimatum?"

They both turned to David, who looked shocked and miserable and hurt.

Jane straightened her back. "If you need it to be."

She turned and went upstairs.

Joe watched David looking after her. This wasn't a hero. Because this wasn't a movie. And he wasn't playing a role, just as these people hadn't been his co-stars.

Joe sat down at the kitchen table, unable to stand. This was no longer denial, this was losing his touch with reality. He tried to look back at the last few weeks, remembering the time he'd spent with David, the way he'd encouraged him and been happy and grateful about every bit of attention. He'd been entirely oblivious to how Jane had to see this, only thinking of her role, not seeing her as a person, as a person who had to compete with him for something that was rightfully hers.

He'd basked in the sunshine of David's presence, because it was the most available distraction, the easiest way not having to face his own life or the fact that he didn't have a life any longer. He could go on like this and part of him wanted to, but what he couldn't do, now that he knew, was destroy the lives of others along with his own.

He cared too much about David and Jane. And he was glad that he could still care, feel something that wasn't entirely artificial and in his head and that wasn't numbness.

"I'll go," he said, not turning to look at David.

"You don't have to," came the answer immediately. But David sounded tired. And he had to be. But no more.

"I _do_ have to," Joe said. David shouldn't have to fight his fights any longer. He remembered that frantic look on David's face when Joe had opened the door after Aidan had died. David had feared for his life and maybe he still did. And not dying wasn't enough to change that. He needed to live, he needed to lead his own life again, even if he wasn't sure if he could. Going on as he had was unfair to both of them and especially to Jane. "I do have to," he repeated, looking at David this time.

David took a step towards him and put a hand on his arm, but he didn't say anything and eventually Joe went downstairs to pack.

It wasn't much and when he put his clothes and other belongings into a suitcase, he noticed for the first time that he couldn't remember how they got here. David must have gotten them for him. Joe just stared at the clothes for a moment, wondering what else he couldn't remember.

He thought about the way David had looked at him upstairs, when Joe had finally turned around to go. He had no idea what was going on in David's head. And he didn't dare think about it now. He'd made the right decision. For them, but mostly for himself. He didn't know how he would deal with his own feelings and his own life. He simply couldn't take on the task of figuring out someone else.

He continued to pack until he came to one of David's shirt, which he must have lend him. He put it in his suitcase along with his own, pretending that it didn't matter that he took it and why and that he could think about it later.

When he came upstairs, dressed and ready, David told him he had made a few phone calls.

Joe fleetingly thought about how they'd shoot the good-bye if this was a movie. But it wasn't.

David simply said, "I'll call you."

Joe said, "Thank you."

Then they hugged and Joe went outside and he waited for over half an hour for a taxi and he only turned back once to see Jane waving at him with a smile from the master bedroom. He smiled back.

 

**September**

He ended up with Rachel's family. They were all very nice to him and welcomed him in their midst. Joe was grateful.

He thought about his family. In the weeks that he'd spent with David he'd always managed to push it away, to make it just a background of his character, a little piece of his biography. But now, without the distraction, he had to face that they were his life and his life was gone.

He spent hours remembering the first dates with Katherine, how they'd gotten married, how she'd told him she was pregnant for the first time and a second and a third. He thought about his kids, Aidan's almost too grown-up smile, Truman's deafening shrieking laughter and the way Fergus' eyes would focus just on him as if nothing else existed in the world except his dad.

He cried, for the first time since Aidan had died, until he didn't think he could cry anymore, but there were always more tears, more reasons to grieve, more things that he'd lost forever. He'd never get to see them fall in love or graduate or marry or have their own kids. He'd never see Katherine joke about her first gray hair or enjoy the moment their sons were old enough to give her some peace or later regret when they moved out and she wished she'd see more of them.

And all through the smiles and comforting hands on his shoulder and words of encouragement that he got from Rachel's family and friends that dropped by, he'd never felt as lonely in his life.

He'd been meant to hear the laughter of children in the backyard for many years to come. But now there was only silence and for days he just sat in his room in the dark listening to the sound of nothing.

David called every day. Sometimes they talked about the movie for an hour. Sometimes David only asked how he was and when Joe couldn't even answer he just said "I think of you" or "Don't give up" or something that shouldn't mean anything but did.

He put on David's shirt, when the loneliness became too overwhelming. He still didn't really think about what had happened between them. He knew that he had used David as a way to escape reality, but at the same time David was a real person. The scenes that had played in his movie had really happened and while he may have played a role, David had lived his life.

Now that he looked back on the time he remembered some of the moments that had just rushed by as part of the montage or ended up on the cutting room floor when they happened. Little smiles and touches and just the intense looks that David gave him sometimes. He wondered if it was worry about Joe and came to the conclusion that it probably was part of it. But there was something else.

He didn't think that Jane was right. Obviously nothing had gone on between them. He hadn't been _that_ out of it, not to remember. But even as just on an emotional level, he didn't think she was right. David cared about him, of that he was sure. Joe was grateful for it. But he couldn't understand how Jane could even for a moment think that there was more to it.

Yes, the gestures might have been there. When she'd seen them in the cellar and even before, when she hadn't. But the idea that David had feelings for him that went beyond caring and friendship. It seemed very far-fetched.

As for his own feelings, Joe was just as unsure about them. He liked David. He admired him and the little movie in his head had shown a certain amount of hero worship. In the light of reality he wasn't so sure about that anymore. David just dealt with what was happening in the world in his own way.

David sprang into action, but if Joe was honest with himself, he thought that it was as much for himself as it was for others. He didn't think David could just sit there and do nothing. In a way he'd escaped from reality, too, although it wasn't so much escape as shaping it so that you found your place in it. And in the end it didn't really matter for whom he did it. At least he wasn't giving up.

And neither was Joe.

Life as he knew it was over. He'd finally admitted that to himself, but he was still alive. He had many years ahead of him and even if he'd always be lonely and live in the shadows of what should have been his life, he at least had to try and actually live it.

When David called the next time and told him that he'd almost finished the script and pre-production, Joe asked if he was maybe looking for an actor who'd work for free.

~~

It was a bit strange to come back to the house that had been his last home, but had seemed like a set to him at the time.

David was obviously happy to see him. He smiled and Joe had the feeling David wanted to hug him, but he didn't. Maybe it was because Jane was there. Although she smiled, too and seemed genuinely happy to see Joe.

"How are you?" she asked.

Joe looked at her, then David, then back to her. "Better," he said and meant it.

They spent much of the day preparing for the shoot the next day, making place for the lights and the camera, adding the few props David had organized. It was a peaceful atmosphere between them and why wouldn't it be?

David concentrated on his work and made a joke about how everything would go wrong. When he heard Joe's small chuckle he turned around, surprise obvious on his face. Joe stared back until he realized that he hadn't laughed in a while. He'd smiled and sometimes it had even been genuine, but laugh?

It was strange that such a small thing should be such a big deal. And he wasn't sure if he wanted and needed it to be. If he wanted to be able to leave his old life behind or if he needed to hold onto it some more, maybe forever. Or maybe it was both.

"Do you want that chair there?" he asked David.

David nodded, then shook his head. "No, out. That and the lamp and the cabinet."

Joe nodded and did as he was told. They continued to work and David started to crack more jokes, and Joe laughed a few times, but mostly smiled to indulge David, because he seemed so happy every time he got a reaction out of Joe.

Sometimes Joe caught David looking at him as if he couldn't believe he was here and Joe wanted to put his hand on his arm and say, "I am. Finally."

But instead he just gave him a short smile and David looked away, but sometimes it wasn't fast enough to hide the smile forming on his own mouth.

He suddenly wondered what would be if Jane didn't exist. He couldn't think of it as 'if she had died', not even in his mind. If David had been single Joe might have thought there _was_ something happening between them. As it was, he felt very confused. He could see the obvious affection, when David handed Jane something or rushed to help her with a larger piece of furniture.

But he felt affection for himself, too. What made it all the more complicated was that he had no idea, what he _wanted_ David to feel. Was this just wishful thinking on his part? He didn't think he actually wished for David to... he didn't even know what to call it. To love him?

The thing was, it would make no sense to want that. Even if Jane wasn't in the picture, Joe wasn't sure if he could ever open himself up to a person again in that way, to give his heart away completely or even partially. In the last weeks it had often felt as if his family had taken his love with them when they died, so he wasn't even sure if he had any more love to give to anyone.

And David deserved to be loved. Joe knew that much, and the caring and friendship and gratefulness that he felt weren't enough. Not even when combined with the attraction that he couldn't deny. He was still not used to being allowed to think such thoughts. Actually he wasn't sure if it _was_ allowed. Either way his attraction for David was only superficial, whether it was because of Katherine or because it had been so long since he'd looked at other people that way, men in particular.

He looked over to where David was pushing a desk to the side, exposing his ass. It _was_ a nice ass, but Joe's appreciation of that didn't turn into lust and _that_ he felt relief over. There were certain things he wasn't prepared for and not just because any feelings for David would be doomed from the start.

When they finished setting everything up to David's satisfaction, Jane had cooked something for them and they ate and David talked about who was going to come tomorrow and how he met them and generally radiated excitement. Joe looked over to Jane and shared a smile with her.

He didn't feel jealous and he guessed that was another sign that his feelings for David didn't go beyond friendship. What he got from him was so much, it was certainly enough.

After dinner, he got up to leave and David protested, that it was ridiculous, he could stay here, the house was big enough. There might have been enough space, but the way Jane tensed showed him that the house still wasn't big enough for the three of them. He almost wanted to reassure her that he didn't have the intention to take David away from her, that he was pretty sure he didn't have the _capability_ even if he _had_ the intention, but he knew that the only reassurance he could give her was to leave.

It was also the right thing to do, if he ever wanted to start his new life. He had to get used to the loneliness of an empty apartment.

David looked so comically sad, that Joe couldn't help but smile and pinch his cheek, "I'm gonna be back tomorrow. Don't fret."

David spluttered, but Jane laughed, and when he left Joe felt that maybe life wasn't going to be complete desolation, if he could still have moments like these.

~~

The movie went well. The people that David had found to participate all worked on a professional level and for the first time since long before shooting for Atlantis had stopped, Joe felt like he was working again.

It was almost a revelation to see how much acting still meant to him and not just acting. He'd written parts of the script and every now and then when something didn't quite flow the way David wanted, he'd discuss it with Joe and they'd re-write on the fly.

He watched David direct, watched the others giving their all in this little no-budget movie about life in times of death. The atmosphere of the movie was tense and some of it bled through to the shooting in a good way. By the time his first big scene came up towards the evening, Joe felt in his element, feeling the tension in him.

It was a confrontation scene, where the little group of would-be rebels would have to face what it really was that they fought for and the fact that as much as they proclaimed it, they never really understood what it meant. What it meant to lose everything. It shouldn't be too difficult to draw on his own experiences for that.

When David gave the sign to begin, Joe put all his frustration and anger and desperation into it, making his co-stars cower in a way he wasn't anymore sure was scripted. And then he started shouting things, screaming at the top of his lungs and the moment his knees hit the floor, he was sure that it _wasn't_ scripted.

He only vaguely noticed people being ushered outside, because he could only feel David's arms around him as he dropped to the floor in front of Joe and held him so tightly that Joe thought there might be bruises the next day.

But it was welcome all the same. And through harsh breaths and tears that he'd thought had stopped when he decided that he wouldn't give up and live his life, he noticed that he was holding on to David just as tightly if not more.

David whispered into his ear. "Shhh", "It's okay," or "Let it out." When David kissed his temple, Joe started sobbing, because in that moment he wasn't sure if he could go through life without something like this.

He felt David help him up eventually. He led Joe to the kitchen and Joe realized that they'd all left, except Jane who had prepared a cup of tea for him.

"I'm sorry," Joe said with a hiccup. "Our schedule-"

"It's okay. It was the last scene anyway for today and I got what I wanted. I got _more_ ," David said with feeling.

Joe relaxed and took the cup of tea from Jane, nodding in gratitude. When he was done, trying not to think about anything but the warmth of the liquid and the cup in his hand, he got up to leave.

"No," David almost shouted.

"You can have the guest room," Jane said and when Joe could see nothing in her eyes but welcome, he nodded and made his way upstairs to the guest room that he hadn't once slept in.

As he dressed in pajamas that he found on the bed, he thought about how good he'd felt the day before, how he'd been able to laugh and how for most of the day today he had felt fine, working with full concentration. Maybe he'd never be able to work again. The thought filled him with fear, because the day had shown him how much he missed work and that it would probably be the main thing making his life worth living. If he didn't have that, what did he have?

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in," Joe said, not bothering to get up. He felt incredibly tired.

The door opened and David's head appeared through the entrance. "Have you found everything?"

Joe nodded. David smiled at him, then looked back into the hall and after a moment of what looked like making up his mind, stepped inside.

He left the door half-way open and sat down on the bed next to Joe.

"How are you?" he asked and Joe could almost hear the 'really' tacked on to that question.

"Afraid," he said truthfully.

"You're going to be okay one day. Not the same, but okay."

It was strange, but it was easy to believe David and Joe got a hand out from other the covers and put it on David's.

"Thank you," he said.

David turned his hand around and squeezed Joe's. Then he looked at Joe and eventually leaned forward. Joe's heart skipped a beat and he wasn't sure if it was in panic or something else, but then David's face moved beyond Joe's mouth and kissed him on the forehead.

When he got up, he held onto Joe's hand for as long as he could. Then he was gone and Joe was left alone in the dark silent room, but somehow he didn't feel as lonely as he had in the last weeks even when he was in a room full of people.

~~

They ate breakfast together the next morning and David was behaving just a bit like a mother hen. Joe was almost glad that the others would soon come to divert David's attention from himself. Almost.

"I'll be fine," Joe said, not for the first time, because he really felt better after a surprisingly restful sleep.

David sat down next to him and put a hand on Joe's arm. "We don't have to do this today."

"They'll be here in less than an hour," Joe pointed out.

"I don't care. The movie doesn't matter."

Before Joe could tell him that they both knew that wasn't true, a cup crashed to the floor.

They both looked over to Jane, who began laughing, her face screwed up in a grimace that belied the laughter. David removed his hand from Joe's arm, but they both just stared as Jane's laughter became more and more hysterical until she suddenly stopped.

"Don't you even _see_ it?" she asked, desperation edged in her incredulousness.

She and David looked at one another apparently communicating something that Joe couldn't understand.

"Oh god, you do," Jane said, and it sounded so helpless that Joe wanted to reach out and comfort her.

That was when it hit him.

Jane left the kitchen and when Joe turned to David, he was staring resolutely at the table.

"I should prepare," he said, after Joe had watched him for a while.

He got up and went to the rooms they'd shoot in today. Joe didn't follow him.

He still wasn't sure what was happening. He didn't want to believe that they'd gotten themselves into such a mess of emotions. He wanted to go to Jane, and tell her she was wrong. She had to be. Even if David felt something for him, it didn't mean that he didn't love Jane. It certainly couldn't mean that he loved Joe more than her. She had to see that.

And he couldn't understand that David wasn't telling her that.

He also felt guilty. For enjoying David's attention and comfort. Maybe it had been enough for him only because it had been too much. Maybe he'd taken parts of what were hers and David had allowed it, because he felt sorry for Joe and wanted to help him. He needed to tell David that the price was too high, that he wasn't worth it, but he knew if he did, David would deny it. Joe was almost afraid of what David would say. Because what if she _was_ right? Joe couldn't even begin to contemplate that.

He tried to push any thought from his mind then and cleaned up the breakfast table to distract himself until the others arrived.

~~

Shooting went without a hitch that day. Jane wasn't present and when Joe checked at lunch, she was nowhere in the house. Nobody had commented on that after David had ignored the first inquiry after her.

He'd concentrated on the job, driving them through the tight schedule. Joe hardly noticed a difference to the day before, except for a bit of added tension. And that David hadn't touched him once, not even casually when they walked around each other in the tight space. He hadn't even consciously noticed the touches the day before.

The group ate together and David seemed to relax a bit after the second day of shooting had gone well. They were almost done now, just another day with a few hours to spare for re-shoots.

After the others left, David went downstairs to take a look at the material and decide if anything had to be done again.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Joe asked.

David looked at him as if Joe had asked something entirely else than offering to join him for screening the material. "Okay," he said eventually.

They went through what they'd shot, commenting on performances and chose two scenes that were good, but not great, to shoot again the next day. It was quiet mostly and Joe missed David's enthusiasm, even if he was by no means disinterested. Joe longed to see him smile.

He stretched on the chair until he almost fell off, catching himself in the last minute.

"It's a wonder you haven't injured yourself with your amazing skills in body control," David quipped.

Joe grinned.

David rolled his eyes. "I can't believe they cast you as the hero."

"That's only because I'm so handsome and manly."

"You forgot dorky."

Joe smiled fondly. He'd have to talk with David about Jane. But he'd wait until they'd shot the movie. He had heard some of the crew talk about where she stayed that evening, so he knew she was still close by and where to reach her. For now he'd leave David to think about what he wanted.

"Bye," he said and got up. He was almost out of the fake door, when David called after him.

"Don't go."

When Joe turned around David wasn't even looking at him.

"I shouldn't stay," he said.

"I don't want to be alone today."

Joe pondered that for a moment. He wasn't sure what exactly David was asking. "I know where Jane's staying," he said.

David turned and looked at him. "Please. You can sleep here or in the guest room, I just..."

Joe nodded. That he could do. "I'll stay in the guest room," he said and when David didn't say anything else, Joe made his way upstairs.

David didn't come in that night.

~~

David seemed much more relaxed the next day. He complained about the coffee that Joe had made, and when Joe protested that he could make _money_ with it, when he set his mind to it, David grinned.

They went through the last scenes and the re-shoots and afterwards David dragged him downstairs to cut it together in a very rough way, to get a first glimpse of their movie.

David practically glowed with pride when they looked at it, even as he criticized where he needed to edit and also the things he wished they would have had a better budget for.

Joe watched David as much as the movie and felt overcome with affection for this man who had mobilized a group of people to create something out of nothing, who had mobilized _him_ into doing something again.

He wanted to hug and kiss him, simply to express that affection, but he didn't want to spoil this moment by confusing David with something that he wasn't sure would be understood as it was intended.

There was time for that tomorrow, time to talk about Jane. He just wanted David to be happy, he realized. And if it meant he had to get out of David's life, he'd do that.

"We can really start editing tomorrow. Or do you have to go back?"

There was trepidation in David's voice even though he tried to sound casual.

"No, I can stay. We can start early tomorrow. I'll take the guest room again, if that's okay?"

"Of course," David said, relieved.

~~

They worked on editing the movie the whole morning. David took his notes with him when they went upstairs. Joe cooked. They ate discussing the challenges of the later scenes.

When David finished the dessert and looked about ready to go back downstairs, Joe set down the dirty dishes and sat down next to him.

"You need a break?" David asked.

"You should call Jane," Joe said, not willing to let this go any longer.

He could see how David retreated.

"You can't just let her go," Joe went on. "You have to tell her that it's not the way she thinks."

And that was it, wasn't it? The real question, which Joe didn't dare ask and didn't phrase as a question, because he wasn't sure if he could deal with the answer.

David looked at him and Joe felt uncomfortable, as if David could read exactly what he was thinking and Joe's own doubts and fears shouldn't come into this at all.

Eventually David sighed in what seemed like resignation.

"But what if it is?"

Joe mused for only a split second that David would answer his statement that was a question with a question that was a statement. Then he couldn't help thinking about what it really meant.

David loved him? He couldn't help phrase it as a question in his head. It felt almost unreal and at the same time it felt too real. David seemed to sense this.

He looked away and said, "I'm sorry. I know that the last thing you need is someone dumping this on you after all you've gone through. I didn't want you to know. I know that... I just couldn't lie to Jane. I'm so sorry. You deserve a better friend."

Joe listened to David, to the palette of emotions at the center of which lay deep regret.

David was right in a way. He wasn't ready for this. But he was also wrong. David was the best friend Joe could have asked for in the last months. And no matter what David thought, this wasn't a _burden_ to Joe. He knew that David didn't have any expectations and why shouldn't he be able to live with being loved?

He leaned forward and lifted his hand, not sure how to express himself, how to say that he'd be okay. That David didn't need to feel sorry for feeling the way he did. That Joe was confused and a bit scared, but that he could deal with it.

He decided that he didn't have the words, so he just cupped David's face and kissed him. It was a chaste close-mouthed kiss, meant as assurance and friendship.

David froze for a second then pressed forward and opened up his mouth a fraction, pushing Joe's lips apart as well.

It was as if the tiny opening of his mouth had pushed open so much more because Joe felt a rush of emotions run through him. More than affection, more than attraction, it went straight through his heart and stomach down to his groin.

He gasped and pulled away, shocked by his own feelings. They weren't new and they weren't _really_ surprising. He'd been aware of an undercurrent between them, even if he hadn't thought it could be more. But what came totally unexpected to him was that he could still feel like this.

When he'd thought about his future and told himself that he'd _try_ to live his life, some part of himself had been convinced that there were things he'd never feel again. And this had been among those feelings. He was bewildered by the mixture of relief that maybe, just maybe, he could be in a relationship again in the future and the guilt of even thinking about this only a few months after his wife, whom he had wanted to spent the rest of his life with, was dead.

"I'm so sorry," David said, breathing heavily and looking as if he'd just pushed Joe off a cliff unintentionally.

That wasn't too far from the truth, actually, but Joe again felt the need to reassure David. He chose not to think about his own feelings and leaned forward to kiss David again, really kiss him.

He felt David return the kiss carefully, moving his lips against Joe's, a hand moving tentatively to Joe's arm and from there up past his shoulder to the nape of his neck. It was Joe, who dared the first push of his tongue between David's lips, but once he'd broken through it was as if David finally believed this was really happening.

His other hand was running through Joe's hair then, pulling him closer and he shifted in his chair, pushing his chest against Joe's. Joe went along with it, giving back, daring not to think and just feel for this moment, holding on to David and opening himself up to let him in.

Joe didn't know how long they made out next to the kitchen table, but when they finally pulled away his ass hurt from sitting on the edge of the chair and his knee would probably feel it the next morning from the way he'd twisted it.

David's wet lips were trembling and Joe leaned forward once more to give him another quick kiss. David met him half-way, refusing to let it end too quickly.

But Joe pulled away again, because he needed time to think. After weeks of denying any emotion and then concentrating on his grief, he wasn't sure what he felt, what he wanted to feel, what he could allow himself to feel.

"I'll take care of the dishes. Think you can finish editing alone?" he asked.

David looked at him, still out of breath and Joe couldn't help thinking that he looked good like that, his hair sticking up, where Joe had run his hands through it, his lips wet and red.

"I can wait for you," David said.

Joe smiled. He wasn't sure if David was aware how he sounded. And he realized that he didn't really know how long David had waited. His smile softened.

"I just need some time to think," Joe said, trying to convey that he didn't intend to run away. He'd never do that, even if it turned out that he wasn't ready to pursue a relationship with David.

David nodded. "We still should finish the movie together. I'll go into town and see if I can get some fresh food."

"Do that," Joe said.

David grabbed a light jacket and went to the back door, but turned around and came back to kiss Joe once more before he left.

~~

David wasn't back, when Joe settled down in the living room on the couch. It still looked half like a set, with furniture pushed aside and on top of each other and scripts and discarded props lying around. If felt comfortable to Joe though. It was familiar.

Which was more than what he could say of his feelings for David. In the last months David had become the most important person in his life, but still he was blindsided by what had happened after lunch.

He had avoided thinking about his emotions for so long and then concentrated on his feeling of loss and loneliness that he had to admit any thoughts about his relationship with David had been shallow examination at best and more often than not it had been about what David was probably _not_ feeling.

Now he not only knew better, he was also faced with emotions that he didn't feel prepared for.

He thought about Katherine. He'd loved her more than anything in the world except for his children. Or he still did. And that, he felt, was what he had to find out. Was his love for her something that he could put into the past? Intellectually he knew that it was unlikely and undesirable that he'd never be able to love someone else again.

He'd heard it during his visit with Rachel and even from Katherine's parents in other words. They called each other irregularly and he felt they'd be okay with it. Eventually.

But he'd made out with someone today, three months after her death, even if it felt like a lifetime ago sometimes. He didn't know if they'd be okay with that, if any of those people who'd encouraged him and told him there was a future for him would be okay with that.

But more importantly than what other people thought, he didn't know if _he_ was okay with it. He had honestly thought that he'd live alone for a long time and would have to fight with himself to start dating again and even then he hadn't expected to feel like this for a long time.

Now that he did, he wasn't sure what to do about it. He didn't know what exactly David felt and for how long he'd felt it. He _did_ know that David would understand if Joe told him, he wasn't ready. But the truth was he didn't know if he'd ever be ready to say, "This is the moment where it's okay for me to move on."

He wasn't even sure what it was that he felt for David. It had overwhelmed him in its suddenness and yes, it had felt like love. But just minutes before he'd asked David to call his girlfriend and he'd been willing to leave David's life to see him happy. Could everything change from one moment to the other?

He didn't want to lead David on and enter this relationship thinking he loved him, when really it was just the rush of letting himself feel something at all after these months that somehow turned gratitude and affection and attraction into more than it really was.

He thought of Jane for a moment, but it seemed that David had made his decision even when he'd still thought his feelings for Joe were nothing but an inconvenience.

Leaving David and telling him, he should work things out with Jane was an option, but it would be a cowardly thing to do, to David and to himself. He'd tried running away from his feelings those first weeks and it hadn't worked.

Another option was to ask David for some time. And maybe it would be for the best, giving himself some time to find out what he felt, to make sure that he really loved him.

Strangely enough it felt like Katherine's voice in his head that asked, "Why don't you just go for it?"

But maybe it wasn't so strange. While he didn't hesitate to jump on a skateboard, she had been the one to encourage him to do the really big things. Marriage, kids. He'd wanted them, but at the same time he'd been afraid to mess it up. But because of her he'd taken the chance and never regretted it.

Not even now, he thought. If he could live his life again, knowing what would happen, he didn't think he'd change a thing. And he couldn't imagine not to want the far too short time that he'd been given with her and his kids. He didn't feel regret and he tried not to feel too angry and betrayed by what had been taken from him. He'd met others, who'd lost less than Joe, if you ever could quantify the loss of a loved one, which he knew was impossible, and who'd wrapped themselves in their own anger and regret to a point where it became their whole life.

He didn't want to live like that. It wouldn't be living. He wanted to look back on his life with his family with gratitude and happiness, because that was how they'd always made him feel.

And it was how David made him feel, he realized. Not in the same way, not as fiercely as it had been with Katherine and the kids at times, when he'd just watched them together and knew that he was a lucky man. But in small ways it had been there for a while.

He tried to consider his last option, to actually give them a chance to build something, whatever it would turn out to be. It could go wrong. It could turn out that Joe wasn't ready or just not in love with David. Or David could realize that what he thought of as love was just friendship and that there really was only Jane for him. At worst it could mess up their friendship and David's relationship with Jane.

But truthfully, he wasn't sure if David would be able to patch up things with Jane, even if he called her today and tried to convince her of his love. And there was the chance, however small, that this might actually work. That they'd somehow find something that could mean a future for both of them.

Joe heard someone at the door and a moment later David stood in the doorway, holding up a net of actual non-frozen vegetables and fruits.

"I don't want to disturb you, just wanted to let you know I'm back," he said with a small smile.

He was about to turn away, when Joe got up from the couch and approached him. He looked at David for a long moment.

Yeah, he'd risk it.

He leaned forward and kissed David.

When he pulled back, David bit his lip, before asking, "Are you sure?"

"No," Joe said without thinking and kissed him again, taking the net out of his hands and placing it on the ground so that he could really pull David into his arms and could feel his full body pressed against his own.

When Joe pulled back the next time, David's eyes looked glazed and he just mumbled "'kay" in a way that made Joe smile widely.

 

**December**

It wasn't always easy. There were moments when he was in David's arms and suddenly thought, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" It had taken them three tries to actually have sex for the first time, although it hadn't just been the thoughts of Katherine, but also the nervousness of sleeping with a guy again after almost twenty years.

And he still missed his family, sometimes so much that he didn't think he could bear it. But those moments came and went more infrequently as time went by. David was at his side and never put any pressure on him and gave him the feeling that whatever Joe wanted was okay. David had once told him, that if Joe didn't think he wanted to continue this, he would be okay with that and he would always be his friend no matter what.

They didn't tell anyone, although he thought that Rachel suspected something, when she'd come for a visit. As far as the others were concerned they were just sharing David's house. Nobody asked why he and Jane had broken up. But then again it happened to many couples.

Joe was glad that he had laid some money on the side to send his kids to college. At least he didn't have to worry about money for the moment, when many people were desperately looking for work that didn't exist any longer.

By the end of the year there was actual talk of finishing the season that they'd never returned for after hiatus.

Joe decided to visit the States for Christmas and his birthday. He'd regularly talked to his parents on the phone and they had supported, even encouraged his decision to stay in Canada, but now after the civil rights movement had led to the end of the Presidential emergency act, he didn't want to wait any longer.

David was still wary of it and he wouldn't let Joe go alone. He was nervous on the whole flight and Joe took his hand to distract himself as much as David.

Their first stop was a visit to Jason. Jason enveloped him in a big bear hug when they showed up. Joe was surprised by how good it felt to see his friend again. He should have come sooner. Of course the visit with Jason was the easy part of their trip.

They flew to California the next day. The news or any reports on the net didn't do justice to the reality of what almost seemed like a ghost town now. There were parts that were just as full as they had been, but the closer they came to what used to be his home, the lonelier the streets got.

Joe just stood in front of the large empty house, once the taxi had left. It seemed like a still photograph. He'd never once come home to find it this quiet. There'd always been some noise coming from inside.

He didn't know how long he'd been staring, when he realized that David stood next to him, with all their luggage.

"Let's get inside," he said quickly.

"There's no hurry," David said. He'd offered to take a hotel room, but Joe had said it wasn't necessary.

He went inside and David followed, staying behind him as if he was afraid to take a wrong step. It wasn't as if David had never been here. He and Jane had visited a couple of times, when they'd been in town.

Joe stopped in the living room. The presence of his wife and kids was suddenly overwhelming. Despite the dust that had settled on every surface it was so easy to imagine that they'd just left for a few days and could come through the same door through which he and David had entered. They'd laugh and Katherine would kiss him and his sons would call "Daddy" and throw their arms around his legs.

He could feel David shift behind him and turned around.

"I can go," he said, looking so uncomfortable that Joe almost considered it for a moment, but then he took the step towards David and put his hand on his arm.

"Let's get these upstairs," Joe said and took one suitcase.

David followed him into the bedroom and Joe could see that he wanted to protest. In the end David said, "I'll work a bit, if that's okay?"

Joe nodded and David took his laptop and went towards the study.

Joe went into his sons' rooms, one by one. He dusted off the drawings on the wall and touched all the things that conjured up memories. It was only when his stomach started growling that he went to find David. When he passed a mirror in the hall, he stopped, only now seeing the tears that had run down his face.

He wiped them off, not wanting David to worry.

"Hey," he said when he found him, busily typing.

David looked up. "Hey," he answered more quietly.

"I'm getting hungry," he said, grimacing when his stomach growled again to underline his words.

David smiled at that. "I could cook something with the stuff we brought. I would have started, but I wasn't sure..." He trailed off and looked at his laptop again.

"That's a great idea," Joe said.

They cooked together and Joe thought about the times he'd done this with Katherine and he thought about the times he'd done this with David at their home. It was unlike either. Mostly there was no touching and Joe could understand because it felt strange to him, too, but at the same time he longed to feel David. In the end he just smiled at him a few times. And David smiled back, but Joe knew that he still felt uncomfortable.

They ate, talking about the arrangements they'd made to fly to Joe's parents a few days later and friends they wanted to see. Joe would visit Katherine's parents and the grave that she and their sons shared with thousands of others. He'd asked David to come to the grave with him, but he'd visit Katherine's parents alone.

He didn't want to hide David. But as a first visit after their daughter's and grand-children's death it wasn't the right place or time. Maybe he'd tell them about David though.

When they prepared to go to bed, Joe wasn't surprised when David insisted he take the guest room.

He lay alone in the bed that he'd shared with Katherine for so many nights. They'd created life in this bed. They'd made love and had little fights and made up in this bed. When he put his face into the pillows he thought he could still smell her.

He wished he could talk to her just one more time, to properly say good-bye. They hadn't been granted even that much. He tried to conjure up her image. He wasn't sure what he'd say to her. There was so much.

"I still think about you." "I'll never forget you." "I'll always love you." Then he'd tell her that he was fine, most of the time, because she'd want him to be. She had been such a generous soul. She'd look at him and tell him that she was glad he was. And then she'd say, "He's good for you." Joe didn't know if he was imagining that because he really thought she'd feel like that or because he needed her to. Maybe it didn't make a difference in the end. He still nodded and quietly said, "I love him."

He didn't know if there'd be a proper way to say good-bye. Now in his mind or when they'd visit her grave the next day. And maybe he didn't really need to say good-bye at all, because she could stay with him and be a part of his life.

He remembered his initial confusion about David's feelings for him. He'd been so sure that David loved Jane. David didn't really talk about her, but Joe suddenly realized that he hadn't necessarily been wrong. He'd always love Katherine, but he knew he loved David, too. Now that he was at his home, where he could feel Katherine's presence as strong as ever since he'd last seen her, he felt certain of it.

He got out of the bed and went to the guest room. It had to be later than he thought, because David was already asleep. Joe slipped under the cover next to him and ran a finger down his sleeping face. David stirred then and groggily opened his eyes.

"Joe?"

Joe leaned forward and kissed him. He could sense David's hesitation, but eventually he kissed back. Joe moved on top of David and pushed up his shirt. David tensed, but Joe didn't let up until David moved up to allow Joe to pull the shirt over his head.

He trailed kisses down David's chest, paying extra attention to his nipples on his way down. He looked up at David's face several times to reassure himself that he was still there. David remained quiet. He was never quiet during sex.

Joe wanted to tell him to say something, to at least make the little sounds that showed Joe how much David enjoyed this, but didn't want to risk David getting defensive. He couldn't force it and David did nothing to stop him.

When he returned with the lube David was watching him with as much trepidation as anticipation. He still didn't say anything when Joe carefully prepared him, but his breath quickened.

Joe entered him slowly and when he was fully inside of him, he said David's name. David just bit his lip and Joe leaned forward to kiss him. He pushed into him in a slow, but steady rhythm, stroking David's dick at the same time.

Sex between them had never been such a quiet, serious affair, not even when Joe had one of his worse days and their joining was more comfort than passion. He hoped it was only being in this house and that things would be back to normal once they were home.

Eventually he came inside David. He called out his name, when he did. Afterwards he slid out of David and took his erection in his mouth. David still didn't say anything and came almost soundlessly.

Joe spooned behind him, drifting off to sleep.

He woke up in the night, finding David awake, staring at the ceiling. He didn't think David had noticed, so he watched him for a while. His normally amazingly blue eyes were almost black in the dark. He looked thoughtful and Joe wondered what he thought about. If he worried about meeting Joe's parents, the visit to his family's grave or about the future. Or maybe he just thought about a new script or returning to shooting.

He didn't know what was going on in David's head. But in the end it wasn't necessary.

"I love you," he said.

David turned his head to him, surprised. It wasn't the first time Joe had said it. But watching the intense emotion on David's face Joe realized that it might be the first time that David actually believed it.

"I love you, too," he said and kissed Joe.

He wasn't careful now, nor quiet. The kiss was wet and dirty, and David's hands ran down Joe's body finding all his hot spots in quick succession until Joe writhed beneath him.

David was talking now. Little endearments and words of praise. He pushed the covers aside and straddled Joe's thighs and began working his own cock with one hand and Joe's with the other.

It was always hot to see David like that. When he got the lube from the nightstand, Joe spread his legs in eager anticipation.

When David entered him with a loud groan, Joe laughed, because it felt so good. Then he could only moan as David began to push into him. It wouldn't take long and he lifted himself up to pull David into a heated kiss.

David mumbled something into his mouth that could have been his name and then Joe felt David's hand on his dick and after a few jerks he tensed and came. David followed almost at the same time and filled him deep inside, shouting "Joe".

 

_Epilogue:_

Joe sighed in contentment. After the hectic last days of shooting he could finally relax.

The sun was shining. He was lazing in the garden with no responsibility until David would come and make him take out the trash. And even if he did, Joe was sure he could find suitable ways to distract him.

He smiled at the thought.

His life was good. The toys in their garden were for the dogs now, and when people asked about the pictures of the kids in the hall, he told them they died and nobody asked, because it wasn't necessary.

They decided not to go back to the US other than to visit family or friends. Not until David could marry Joe. Joe wasn't sure if he should be offended or proud that it was a political statement and not a proposal.

Atlantis was running in its sixth season. David's show had a successful first season. He was working with Jane again. Jane had married and was pregnant.

They hadn't talked about kids, not really. They'd seen a documentary once, about the orphans of the pandemic, and David had said he wished he could help and started looking into adoption. Out of curiosity he said. Joe didn't question him. He thought he might want children again.

Things still weren't as they were before. The world had changed irrevocably. Having children was a different responsibility than it used to be. But he was willing to take on the challenge with David.

He heard David curse from the kitchen.

"I hope you're not messing up my lunch," Joe shouted.

"I hope you don't actually think you'll get any after that comment," David shouted back.

"When have I ever not gotten any from you?"

David didn't answer, but after a few seconds he appeared at the back door.

"It's your turn to take out the trash," David said and Joe suddenly had to laugh. "And this is funny why?" David asked with a lot of McKay in it.

Joe couldn't stop. He let himself fall from the canvas chair until David came and looked down at him grimly and he just had to laugh more until the corners of David's mouth curved upwards.

"What's that smell," he managed between laughs and David looked horrified and rushed inside and Joe just started laughing again.

As he heard David bustling inside under curses, Joe couldn't help thinking that he was a lucky man. He'd been blessed twice in his life with the love of his life. It wasn't exactly the same. He didn't think in terms of forever with David, but that had nothing to do with his feelings for him. Forever simply wasn't what it used to be.

David came outside with a bag that he deposited in the trash dramatically.

"I hope you weren't hungry," he said, joining Joe in the grass.

Joe kissed him. "I'll make do."

It might not be forever. But 'right here, right now, for as long as we have' was just as good and it was more than he could have hoped for and all that he needed.


End file.
